Acknowledging a problem (within me) pt. 1

I'm...suppose to speak of healing (but what do I know?) Even now I apply bandages and alcohol. Then pour myself another round. Then wrap myself up again. To stop this bleeding heart from doing so profusely into the lap of some unsuspecting victim that I’d dare call “lover”.

I... have habits I'm not so proud of. Addictions I often cave into willingly. I wonder and curse myself for being so weak. Then I dive right in anyway. I’ve done this more times then I care to admit to. So much so, that I’m ashamed. I allow that shame to corner myself into sin. (What is sin?) Then silence.

All too familiar with being mute and hopeless. Closing myself off to reduce the damage. Distancing myself to prevent the outspread. I…I don’t like hurting the people I care about. So I push them away instead (thinking it's better that way) and I then run and run and run. Until I’m exhausted and tired of being alone.

I use to find solace in the suffering. Another who would share my misery. I would call it…love, because it sounded nice or maybe it felt better than doing so alone. I don’t know but by this point I’ve lost count of the women who’ve leaned on me. Lovers who’ve cried into my shoulder, shared my pain and a few drinks. I wanted something (someone) to distract me. I wanted what I was feeling to go away. In the beginning I wasn’t aware that I was becoming the catalyst to another’s fire...(to be continued)