Acknowledging the problem (within me) pt2

When I became “woke”. Aware of what I doing, bit by bit I was assaulted by guilt. My actions became apologies because I was sorry, I felt sorry. My kindness went from being genuine to be being an excuse to obtain pardon for my sins. It took me a long time to embrace the idea of forgiveness and to put it into practice. Even longer to realize that forgiveness starts with self.

I use to curse my weakness because I misunderstood it. I lacked understanding and compassion. I found it to be difficult to look at myself in a mirror and be happy or feel whole. At one time I was furious with myself and what I saw. When I looked at myself I would fold under the weight of the malice I held of myself in contempt, unaware there was a more nurturing answer I could have given myself. Like loving myself more.

Mahatma Gandhi was quoted in saying “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” As sit here writing and reflecting upon this I find myself reevaluating my definition of my understanding of what it means to be weak. I thought myself weak for numerous reasons. I use to be bullied a lot. I was picked on for being short, for being dark skinned, the way I talked/walked ect. The girls I was interested in would mock me or pay no attention at all. I found out some years ago that even in high school, there was a groups of students who dubbed me "the weird kid who walked the halls"

Back then (and until just recently)I use get so angry not at those who aimed to hurt my feelings, but at myself. Often I was stay silent and smile. When I found myself alone I would bash myself for not speaking up or speaking out. After a while I resented not only the transgression of those who would seek to harm me, but I came to be disgusted by my inability stand on my own two feet. In time I became passive aggressive. Until I learned to forgive myself.